where does the good go?

8:45pm: 005.
It's almost embarrassing having the only thing I want to work out crumbling between my fingers, yet I'm too clumsy and dumbstruck to stop it. And even if I could speak with such eloquence or act with such precision to make you stick around, would it really prove anything at all?

It seems like you wait your whole life for something, someone. Maybe it's just not enough to care. Maybe it takes so much more than I could must up, I don't know. Love is so fleeting, and I want it to last, but wanting something can't raise the dead, it can't force a miracle, and it sure as hell can't make things stay the way you want them to.

I hope it's not true, what they say, that the one you love always ends up walking away.

Poor, poor Porphyria. She had it easy.


I said I'd never let you go, and I never did. I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it.

8:16pm: 004.
I've discovered my biggest pet peeve: condescension.

Yeah, fuck you, right back.

If people demand respect from you, they should be willing to give the same respect back.

8:46pm: 003.
It's almost pathetic how worried someone can be about such trivial things as graduating, passing exams, love, that fight you had with your "best friend" who's name you just might forget tomorrow, running out of gas, going to the store alone, and then realizing that theres something much more detrimental than that. Story of my fucking life.

I'll never understand mortality.

I don't think I can go on without you. I've got so many memories that completely define who I am, and it's all thanks to you. Cancer couldn't take you the first two times, and I know you're strong, but a body can only survive so many hits. I'm worried that this third time will take you from me. I know you're not scared, but I'm scared. I'm scared to lose you. I'm afraid my memory won't serve me well.

I understand, really, I do. I just wish there was something I could do.
I just want to save you.

I'll make you proud. I promise.

if i could i would shrink myself, sink through your skin to your blood cells and remove whatever makes you hurt, but i am too weak to be your cure.

7:08pm: 001.
Basically, I promised Cody I'd do this yesterday, and I didn't. Sorry dear friend, you know how I can be. I know I promised it'd be worth your while, but I'm not so sure of that either. I hope you understand.

Regardless of what I've been told, of what I've heard, letting go isn't the hardest part. You know in those old daytime sitcoms they always have that one love-sick teenager that thinks they could never live without that "special someone". It's all bullshit. For me, the hardest part was realizing that you couldn't make a good person out of a horrible memory. For the longest time I tried to forget the ending so that I could make a new one, one that wouldn't allow me to hate my "first love". Congratulations, asshole, you ruined everything again. Now I'll remember you as the shallow, pathetic asshole that tries to rub their new relationship in my face.

I wish I could say that I won't waste any thoughts on you, but I'm not too sure of this. It's obviously not working, I mean, here you are again popping up in my online journal. Does this make me the pathetic one? Who knows... I've let go, and it was much simpler than I thought it would be. I just wish there was some kind of struggle left, one where I could be sure that you weren't the asshole everyone always told me you were. That's a funny little story there, isn't it?

I have realized something in all this, though. It's okay to care about someone with all you have, it's okay to love, it's okay to make plans, but don't invest yourself in someone who isn't worth it. Because of you, I realized that I can be independent and I can be happy doing it. So really, asshole, what I'm trying to say is... thanks. Thanks for being the biggest mistake I've ever made. You taught me a lot. Even if your intentions were simply to hurt me, you did so much more.

Well, I hope this was at least worthwhile because I learned something. Come on, Cody, say it was. (:

i will pretend that you won't be gone, the distance dilutes and rewrites...